The Suzumiya Haruhi Bible
by December Dragons
Summary: Don't be too offended. This isn't supposed to be taken seriously. I just down to thinking "What if Haruhi had a church with its own Bible? What would it say?" This is the product of such musing. There is no end date at the moment.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: Don't get too offended with this. In order to know what the "box" is you need to go to and look for the "shout box." This passage is short, but I tried to make this a tad funny. Enjoy:)**

**~xXx~**

In the beginning the box was silent but the spirit of Haruhi-dono resonated throughout the box. The omnipotent being named Haruhi-dono blessed man the ultimate gift—anime. However man was not responsible with the gift that Haruhi-dono has blessed them with. With man's irresponsibility came a grave consequence—perverted hentai and it's demonic offspring, the great, yet violent, Doha-sama. Even after man had seen what Haruhi-dono had wrought upon the land, they did not repent and turn from their wicked ways. So Haruhi-dono sent a huge deluge upon the earth. But Haruhi-dono saw Doha-sama and saw a that she/he/it was a righteous—yet violent—otaku. So Doha-sama bartered with Haruhi-dono to not send a deluge upon this earth. In exchange for not sending the deluge Doha-sama gave up her/his/its mortal, physical life in exchange for immortality in the box and Haruhi-dono said, "As it is written, so shall it be done." So Doha-sama, Haruhi-dono's one and only begotten child-otaku, saved the otaku world from the deluge of water.

**~xXx~**

**Author's Note: Go to ****.com/group/cshldo****, the (un)official Church Of Suzumiya Haruhi Of Latter-Day Otaku. Join now for otaku salvation!**


	2. Chapter 2

And it came to pass that after the Otaku were brought up out from the slavery of the land of Reality by the ever-so reluctant Kyon-sama and as they camped at Mount Fuji Haruhi-dono spoke unto Kyon-sama, "I'm gonna to give you the commandments by which the Otaku must guide their lives by. I am the one who brought them out of the slavery of the land of Reality. To show their stinkin' gratefulness to me I made some rules and they better follow them. 1: There is no god but Haruhi-dono and Kyon-sama is her prophet. 2: Thou shalt have no authority other than Haruhi-dono. 3: Once every lifetime an Otaku must make a pilgrimage to Akihabara and spend his life's savings on anime, gadgets, and merchandise. 4: Yuri is god-approved; a little yaoi every now and then is okay as long as it's not disgusting. The same goes with futanari."

Kyon-sama said unto Haruhi-dono, "Do you really believe people to actually obey these cockamamie rules? You must be out of your gourd!"

Haruhi-dono said, "How dare you question my authority! As penalty, you will chisel these commandments into two stone tablets with your own hands!"

Kyon-sama sighed, "Aw, man...Wait, how am I supposed to chisel into stone with just my hands?"

Haruhi-dono ignored the blasphemous prophet. "5: The women must wear a different color bunny costume every week. 6: Thou shalt own at least one gaming system with at least one video game from Japan. 7: Thou shalt forsake all money and food for the newest anime box set or trend, even to the point of almost starving yourself and becoming homeless. 8: Thou shalt worship all things anime and have no others before it, with the exception of Haruhi-dono. 9: All anime shalt be subjected to rules 34 and 63."

Kyon-sama asked, "What are rules 34 and 63?"

Haruhi-dono said, "Such insolence! Google is thine friend! Learn to use it, muthatrucka!" Then a "stray" lightning bolt fell from the heavens to a cubit away from Kyon-sama. "The final commandment is video game DLC must be relevant and not superfluous."

"Um, one more thing," Kyon-sama spoketh. "What are we going to do for food?"

Haruhi-dono facepalmed. "Look, I'll make it rain ramen packets every morning. Make sure you get enough for you to last the day. On Friday you have to get enough for Saturday and Sunday also. If the ramen is not used by the morning it will be rotten. How's that?"

"That's it?" Kyon-sama grumbled. "Otaku cannot live on ramen alone."

"Fine! It'll rain so much nutritional food on the ground everyday. Make sure you eat it. Now I want this all written out in stone like I've said on this mountain or you'll face a penalty! Comprende?"

"Fine! Fine!" Kyon-sama said and then he returneth to the Otaku camp.

By the morrow he chiseled the commandments into two stone tablets, but he was five minutes late getting to the summit of Mount Fuji so Haruhi-dono made him recite the commandments twenty-five times backwards to the Otaku camp and the Otaku had much merriment at the prophet's expense.


End file.
